Dear BUTT

Dear BUTT,

Is it weird if I only like blowjobs and never do anal?

I am a bottom for sure because all I want to do is please the guy, but I really dislike putting anything up my butt. I have tried twice and it hurt so much. I felt like shitting on his cock — eww, sorry if you’re having lunch right now.

What if I meet a guy who’s totally hot — like Clark Gable hot — and he’s really into the ass thing? Should I give up my own principles and be his sex slave for one night in hopes that he will like me? I don’t want to be single forever.

Or maybe I should try to be a top? But I listen to jazz and Adele for god’s sake!

What should I do?
Destiny

P.S. Does my name sound like a hooker?

Dear Destiny,

Remain calm… There are plenty of guys out there who aren’t into being penetrated. If you want to be a cocksucker for the rest of your life that’s absolutely fine. And you’ll find plenty of guys happy to lie back and let you go to town (you can expect a Private Message with my availability).

However in your case, I detect that deep down inside you’re tempted to enter the mysteriously-addictive world of ass fucking. You’ve probably watched enough XTube to see that crazed look coming over a guy’s face when he’s getting it real good, and just maybe you wonder what you’re missing.

Sorry Destiny, your name does sound like a hooker and there’s no other way around it: getting fucked up the ass hurts. Yours truly is still sore from last night’s session.

Your job is to get so turned on you push through the pain because on the other side is pleasure — serious pleasure. Get your hands on a dildo, use plenty of lube and practice, practice, practice! Maybe try practicing with a friend before moving on to strangers.

If you still feel like shitting on another man’s cock when getting fucked, please do us all a favor and douche beforehand.

Your partner in pain/pleasure,
David