Dear BUTT

Dear BUTT,

Recently, my boyfriend asked for a role play in which I make him put on embarrassing underwear and then ridicule him for wearing said underwear.

Problem is: humiliation is the one thing I can’t handle! I get so embarrassed watching people get humiliated in movies that I hide my face. Forget scary movies — a Todd Solondz film is more likely to make me duck under the blankets.

It would be hard enough not to laugh and cry simultaneously, but it would be impossible to keep an erection. What do I do?

Easily embarrassed,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Allow me: you sound like a terrible lay.

Your BF is literally asking for it. Humiliate the dirty fucker, really teach him a lesson. And don’t stop at the lace panties — get Victoria’s Secret on his ass. Make him prance around like a show horse in pink garters and peek-a-boo panties, before you do your best Ann Romney and ride him like an olympian.

Another effective way to make him feel like a slag is to force him to clean your flat in a jockstrap and Mutant Ninja Turtles backpack. Then ignore him… Only when it’s spotless, spunk in his face and demand he takes public transport back to his. Demand status updates with pics of him cum-covered at back of the bus.

Now is no time to be squeamish. You’ll get into it soon enough, and when you do, you’ll discover what your boyfriend already knows: humiliation equals liberation.

Shamelessly yours,
David