Pablo in San Francisco, California writes… David answers:

30 January 2013

Dear BUTT,

I don’t cum during sex and I hate it.

I can cum alone, but I try not to masturbate so it builds up and hopefully shoots out when I’m having sex. My boyfriend and I have sex almost every day and I never cum. It’s been like this my whole life.

I don’t relax during sex, bottoming or topping. I’m easily distracted. Not to mention the pressure of needing to cum… Not cumming makes sex ‘anxious making’ (as my Jewish grandmother says) which in turn thwarts my cumming.

It’s a vicious cycle.  What do you recommend?


30 January 2013

Dear Pablo,

It’s not a good sign that you’re Jewish grandmother makes a cameo in your description of your condition.

I can’t help but wonder if her appearance isn’t somehow a clue to what’s keeping you from cumming. Like during sex you’re getting totally turned on, oh-so-close, ready to explode all over your boyfriend’s smiling face, when suddenly your Jewish grandmother pops into your head.

Whatever it is that’s keeping you from cumming, you’re going to have to let it go. Next time you’re on the edge of glory and that voice returns just gently remind yourself to let it go.

Of course technique is important as well and that’s where your boyfriend comes in. Maybe you’d like him to tweak your nipples or fart in your face. If you want mind-blowing orgasms you’ve got to face up to what turns you on and demand it — even if it’s weird. Have you been totally honest and told him what turns you on? It’s his job to help.

There are also benefits to prolonging orgasm. Marathon jackhammer fuck sessions anyone? Sting swears by ‘tantric sex’ and hasn’t cum since the early ’80s — but whatever you do, don’t think about Sting during sex or you’ll never cum.

Sweet (wet) dreams,

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  1. Profile picture
    JAMES  ·  5 years ago  · 

    I am assuming your boyfriend is willing to help. Then ask him to give you oral pleasure till you climax.

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    JEFF  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Do you grip tightly when jacking off? You are conditioning your penis to expect that level of stimulation in order to cum. Relax the grip when jacking off…Dan Savage calls is the masturbation death grip.

    There’s even a website:

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    B T  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Have you ever explored your man nips? If you learn to stimulate them, then cumming and shooting off your load will become both enjoyable and rewarding. It’s all about foreplay, and the emphasis is on mutual stimulation.

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    JOSH  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Try just jacking off together a few times. Low pressure, and easier to relax. If you can get comfortable getting yourself off while he’s around it may get easier for him to get you off during sex down the road.

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    JP  ·  6 years ago  · 

    To be honest, I have had the same problem and its also been this way my whole life. Learn to let go of your control, find a partner you trust, say it doesn’t matter if I cum, and let fucking go of everything. You might be suprized what happens…or doesn’t, because as long as it feels good, it’s good. -JP

      • Profile picture
        B T  ·  6 years ago

        Great advice, JP

      • Profile picture
        JP  ·  6 years ago

        Thank you. :)

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    DANILO  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Oh boy, just relax. When do you become anxious, all your pleasure goes away. Just remember: you make sex because this is good and hot. If this is not happening….oh, well.

    Why dont you try something new? When i was meeting someone new but i start feeling anxious…i try to make the sex a little more fun and free. Stay naked and talk to him “today we are not going to cum, we are going to know our bodies and feel how we can pleasure both” and the rest is up to you ;)

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    ANTOINE  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Make sex drunk and test it.
    If it works, this mean that you’re anxious, and that you’re gonna be more relieved with some drinks.
    And just don’t think about it. If it arrives, that’s cool, if it doesn’t, it’s gonna be for the next time.

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    GREGG  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Wear a blindfold and let it be all about your boyfriend pleasuring you. Also, tell yourself before the sex starts that it doesn’t matter if you come or not.

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    JORGE  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Look for a Gestalt therapist and talk to him. It’s a very good therapy and really helps. You really need to talk to someone.

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    AJOHAN  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Cumming is not an important part of sex. If you feel it is important you have probably learnt so from porn (perhaps even straight porn which often is very focused on the male ejaculation) and not from experience.. But you do need to work on that guilt-issue. Guilt and sex don’t mix well. I hope your bf don’t blame you for not cumming. But.. Do you cum when you masturbate?

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    SAID  ·  6 years ago  · 

    I think you should relax your life in general, drink a lot of fresh water, stretch your body, maybe dont eager for sex everyday and save it for that special moment. I think by just relaxing your life in general you will definitely have a pleasure time. ;)

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    JONNY  ·  6 years ago  · 

    you’re someone for whom sex and emotion is intrinsically tied together…this is less about the physical and more about an emotional barrier that exists between you, you feel inhibited by this barrier and so you become distracted, displacing your thoughts on other things – your brain then sends all the wrong signals to the rest of your body. Solution A: learn to separate sex and the emotions of your relationship. Solution B: Figure out what the barrier is and work to resolve it…if it can’t be resolved change the nature of the relationship before it does irreparable damage to your confidence.
    It’s worth bearing in mind that if the chemistry is right and you’re being open about things you’ll be spraying cum all over the room without even thinking about it…

  13. Profile picture
    NICK  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Terrible answer Butt. This poor guy obviously has anxiety issues and he should seek professional cognitive behavioral therapy.

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    ILAN  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Hey Pablo
    I’ve had a lovely bf in London who had just the same problem. After a while, though, I just made him cum and that was really hot.
    Maybe I can try my best with in my trip to SF in the spring?

  15. Profile picture
    GEOFF  ·  6 years ago  · 

    this is like one of those great fairy tales, where the king’s daughter can’t laugh. You need to send a proclamation across the kingdom – whosoever can make you cum gets … well usually it’s her hand in marriage. I know a lot of people who would just settle for the cum

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    LUIS  ·  6 years ago  · 

    It’s important solve guilt about sex. Parents and grandparents educated us with like they were educated, but things changed a lot, people deserved more liberty about feeling and sexuality. Try with a psychologist, yo understand your desires and feelings.

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      • Profile picture
        FREDO  ·  6 years ago

        True about the study being hetero focused, but I think the key is males. I’ve had conversations with a straight friend who feels porn has had similar effects as my own. I’m sure men are the largest group who consume porn.

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    FREDO  ·  6 years ago  · 

    I’m probably 50/50, cumming/not cumming—I tend to cum with guys I’m not interested in. I really do think this has to do with the younger generation’s first sexual experiences relying on porn and it’s over consumption.

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        MATHEUS  ·  6 years ago

        I feel the same.

      • Profile picture
        CHICHO  ·  6 years ago

        i agree. whoever predicted we’d be having sex with machines in the future was on the money. unfortunately i think what might work is a porno playing in the background…

      • Profile picture
        ROMAN  ·  6 years ago

        I totally agree! This generation is lost.

      • Profile picture
        JEFF  ·  6 years ago

        i’m not so sure we should be relying on anecdotal evidence to diagnose this guy much less an entire generation. porn has been around forever in many different forms – it is more easily accesible now and that may or may not be effecting our sex lives but i think we would need to see a much more extensive, gay male focused survey and study to start drawing conclusions. does anyone know of anything that has been done or is being done?

  19. Profile picture
    FRASER  ·  6 years ago  · 

    If you can cum alone it’s not a physical problem. You have delayed ejaculation. Common problems are that you have used to your own maturbating technique to achieve climax. The other is anxiety about achieving orgasm with someone else. It is more common than we think.

  20. Profile picture
    IVAN  ·  6 years ago  · 

    Jeez, I’ve got a similar problem. Any more thoughts?

  21. Profile picture
    STEPHEN  ·  6 years ago  · 


  22. Profile picture
    ?UKASZ  ·  6 years ago  · 

    just cum…

      • Profile picture
        DIEGO  ·  6 years ago

        Yup, just cum…