I was in 5th grade watching a hockey-game in my fathers apartment when the thought that I was actually gay raced through my head. When I was growing up, being gay was not that accepted in Stockholm and my dad was a prime example of the pervasive homophobic surroundings. He’s actually said he couldn’t handle me being gay and would be forced to neglect me. To this day he has no knowledge that I’m bisexual. Living in that environment I told myself I was sick and spent most of my childhood fighting my fantasies. Ultimately, though my relationship with my dad shaped much of who I am as an artist.

When I was 15 I started making drawings that I could jerk off to because I didn’t have any gay porn. The pictures were straight up dick-in-ass kinda things or something that visualized what I desired that day. I’ve kept doing this through the years. Last year I went to a preparatory art-school and I’m starting to feel quite satisfied with my drawings. I draw the pictures until the forms visualize and turn me on and I can jerk off to them. I draw other stuff as well but those are my most honest creations. When not drawing porn I draw animals. I have a big portrait of a parrot at home that I made and I like to portray animals, Im a fan. But it doesn’t come out as well as the porn and it’s not as fun or exciting to draw a wolf or an elephant as a she-male posing with a ak-47.

My first years with masturbation were troublesome for me. I wasn’t comfortable with fantasizing about having a dick in my mouth. I wasn’t comfortable with dicks at all. I remembered me sucking my best friends dick in kindergarten. It was in the pillow-room and I’m sure it happened at least two times. Whenever the thoughts came up I tried to put some boobs in there as well but they never did the trick. Later I noticed that I fancied girls too but just not as much. I define myself as a bisexual but I could never have a relationship with a guy, not with how I want a relationship to be.

I do feel sometimes that I’m missing out like I’m throwing myself over everything in my environment thats gay. I do a lot of chatting online and I’m a steady consumer of gay porn. I feel that I must claim my sexual identity since I can’t have it for real. Sometimes I think that this made my artistic expressions more gay. The frustration has become the story of my life at the age of 26. Yes, I do feel pathetic. I do feel weak and spineless but I also feel exhausted and afraid. I love my dad very much and I would kill for him to say ‘Of course Daniel, you are my son and I will love you no matter what.’ Sometimes I feel that for him to say that would change everything. As if my sexuality could finally settle. The last thing I recall him saying about the subject was ‘The youth of today is better at accepting these kinds of things. I could never do that. Ever.’ This was progress for him.

End